President Biden Extends Student Loan Relief
One his first day as president, Joe Biden continued the suspension of student loan payments until October.
One his first day as president, Joe Biden continued the suspension of student loan payments until October.
If you love to shop, you can use your fashion sense to build or even rebuild your credit. Store-branded credit cards are some of the easiest cards to qualify for and are often extended to those who have bad credit because they have lower criteria than traditional credit cards. Using them, especially if you’re loyal to a particular store, can bring… Read More
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The post How To Budget for a Staycation appeared first on Penny Pinchin' Mom.
Whether youâre dreaming of an hour-long massage or lazy days lounging under the summer sun, youâll want to budget wisely for your staycation. After all, youâve worked hard for this well-deserved treat, and the last thing you want is for your savings account to plummet just when youâve begun to relax. (Overspending can also tank your credit if you … Read More about How To Budget for a Staycation
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All articles about college rankings should perhaps be read with a grain of salt and primarily through a lens of what matters most to individuals about the college experience and what theyâre hoping it will be an investment toward. Prominent publications and people have conveyed a variety of views about whether college rankings matter: The […]
The post Do College Rankings Matter? appeared first on SoFi.
Marnie and Tom live in a nice suburb in the Midwest with their two young children. Marnie’s mother, Elaine, lives about an hour away.
When the kids were babies, Marnie's mother used to drive to Marnie and Tom's every day to see her grandkids and help out. But lately, Marnie's mother's health has been declining, so she can’t drive over anymore.
One day Marnie gets an idea: What if she and Tom sell their house and move closer to her mother? Then the kids would be able to see their grandmother more often. Plus, Marnie would be able to keep a closer eye on her mother in case her health gets worse. Seems like a perfect solution.
There’s only one problem—Tom doesn’t want to move. Tom likes the neighborhood they’re in. He thinks he and Marnie paid too much for their house, but other than that he’s very comfortable.
Tom says no.
Faced with big decisions like this, a couple will ordinarily try to compromise. But in this case, there’s really no half-way. Economists call this kind of thing a zero-sum situation. Someone’s going to win, and someone’s going to lose.
For over thirty years, I’ve watched couples struggle with zero-sum problems. Some more successfully, and some less so.
Some classic zero-sum problems for couples involve whether or not to move—often for one partner’s career—and whether or not to have another child. But there are lots of others.
For thirty years, I’ve watched couples struggle with zero-sum problems. Some more successfully, and some less so. Today, we’re going to talk about what works, and what doesn’t, when you’re faced with one of these situations.
First, let’s talk first about what doesn’t work. There are three main approaches that don’t work. Unfortunately, most couples try all three:
The first mistake is to try to convince your partner that they’ll be much happier if they do things your way. In Marnie’s case, this might involve demonstrating to Tom all the wonderful things about the neighborhood she'd like to move to. Wouldn't Tom be better off there?
No one likes to be told they’ll be happier if they just do things your way.
Here’s the problem: No one likes to be told they’ll be happier if they just do things your way. It's better to assume each person has good reasons for feeling the way they do. And that those reasons aren’t likely to change. In couples therapy, we call this "staying in your own lane."
The second thing that doesn’t work is to suggest there’s something wrong with your partner. Otherwise, they'd see it your way. If only they were less anxious, less obsessive-compulsive, less oppositional, less stuck in their ways, or less damaged by unresolved childhood trauma. Then they’d surely agree with you!
A lot of people get sent to my office for therapy by their spouses for just this reason. Believe me when I tell you, it doesn’t work.
A lot of people get sent to my office for therapy by their spouses for just this reason. Believe me when I tell you, it doesn’t work. It usually just leads to a lot of bad feeling.
The third thing that doesn’t work is to appeal to your partner’s love and insist that if they really love you as much as they say they do, they’ll give you what you want. Almost every couple tries this.
Marnie is no exception.
“Tom,” she says, one night as they're getting ready for bed, “Don’t you see how I can’t sleep at night worrying about my mother? I can't stop thinking about how she’s missing out on so much of our kids’ lives. Can’t you see what this is doing to me? Don’t you love me?”
“The answer’s still no,” says Tom. “And it has nothing to do with whether I love you or not.”
I'd be inclined to agree. Just because you love someone, that doesn't mean you're responsible for giving them everything they want.
The good news is there’s a much better method. There are three steps involved.
In business, this would be a no-brainer, right? You’d never ask someone to give you something you want for free. Instead, you’d find out what their price is.
In marriage, it’s the same thing. The main question is: What’s going to motivate the other person to do a deal?
Let’s see what happens when Marnie tries this approach.
One night in bed, just before they turn off the lights, Marnie turns over to face Tom.
“Tom, what can I give you to make you agree to move?” she asks.
Tom is silent.
“A promise to never complain ever again about you watching TV?”
Tom smiles. “It’s going to cost a lot more than that,” he says.
Marnie thinks some more. “How about if I agree to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family?”
Tom shakes his head. But now Marnie has the idea. She’s not asking for favors anymore. She just wants to do this deal.
“I'll do all the cooking and cleanup three times a week,” she says. "And we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family."
Tom raises an eyebrow. Now he knows she's serious. "Let me think about it,” he says, and turns off the light.
Time for Step Two.
The following night, Tom is sitting at his laptop paying bills. Suddenly it hits him. “Marnie,” he says, “I think I see a way to do this. If we’re going to move, let’s get a smaller house and start saving money again. What do you think?” Marnie’s actually been hoping for a bigger house. It’s painful to hear that this is what Tom wants. But hey, now he’s named his price. That means he’s in the game.
To me, this looks promising. Marnie gets something she wants very much. And she pays for it, fair and square. Same thing on Tom’s side.
Marnie thinks for a minute.
“Let’s see what we can find,” she says.
Now comes the fun part.
The following Sunday, Marnie and Tom drop the kids off with her mother and start house-hunting in earnest. After a few weekends, they find a house they both like well enough. It breaks Marnie’s heart to be downsizing, but it was the only way to make things work. And it helps that once they find a place Tom likes, Marnie gets him to agree to new cabinets and closets.
A good deal will have both of your dreams in it. That’s important, because it means you’re both fully in. You never know how a move like this is going to work out. If it goes well, you both share the satisfaction. If not, you share the blame.
A good deal will have both of your dreams in it.
One sign of a good deal is that in the end, neither of you got everything you wanted. The final result didn’t look exactly like what either of you originally had in mind.
But hey, isn’t that the case with anything creative? Eventually you have to face reality. And in a couple’s relationship, reality often takes the form of the person next to you in bed.
Sometimes life brings you to a fork in the road, where no compromise is possible. When that happens, assume you’ll need to do some serious deal-making—as if your relationship depended on it. Which in fact, it will.
Eventually, you have to face reality. And in a couple’s relationship, reality often takes the form of the person next to you in bed.
As Yogi Berra famously said, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it!”
In the long run, how you settle the issue may matter more than which fork you take.
When you create a budget that works for you, you gain a sense of peace and freedom that comes with taking ownership of your finances. Although there are many approaches to budgeting, certain systems prove to be more effective than…
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Follow these four steps to financially prepare for your maternity leave.
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This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.
As the dust slowly begins to settle and we observe businesses putting their action plans in place to recover, we all sit and wonder what this may look like for us. How will I recover from this? How am I…
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