My column on caregiving generated a number of responses from readers who offered their own perspectives. âPeople not in this situation donât have a clue, and that includes âexperts,â â writes Ken Jarosch, sole caregiver for his wife, Kathy, who suffers from muscular dystrophy. âI went to several care-giving classes, where we were served a nice dinner and a sunshine talk. But the real help came from the people in attendance, who actually live this.âÂ
Iâm devoting this column to advice from people who have found ways to cope with caregiving, starting with the Jarosches. The pandemic and labor shortages have made it hard to find home care, and Ken and Kathy donât want to be separated. Their solution: âA very good geriatric care manager who gives us emergency contacts,â says Ken. âWe do the best we can, even if itâs not perfect.âÂ
Allen Nixon was the caregiver for his wife, Eileen, who passed away of a rare disease. Nixon kept all of his wifeâs information in a folder by the front door so he could grab it âif we had to run to the emergency room.â Because Eileen had lost her ability to speak and write, Nixon realized that if he had a health emergency, she wouldnât be able to communicate with medical personnel. âSo I put all of my information in an envelope and taped it to the fridge.âÂ
To prepare for possible caregiving responsibilities in the future, reader David Gelb recommends that families âseriously consider purchasing long-term-care insurance for themselves and their parents (if itâs not too late).â With encouragement and input from their widowed mother, Gelb and his brother made a family decision to buy long-term-care coverage for their mother when she was in her sixties. When she suffered a stroke at age 87, the insurance âwas a godsend,â says Gelb. âKnowing that we had the finances covered allowed us to make well-thought-out, rational decisions.â
- SEE MORE Start the Elder Care Conversation
Tricky Topics
Other voices have weighed in on handling tricky situations, such as how to raise the subject of future needs and wishes with parents or adult children. Meredith Stoddard, vice president for life events planning at Fidelity Investments, says that when her mother was cleaning house, âshe was focused on what would happen to her teacups.â Says Stoddard, âKnowing what she values makes it easier to follow her wishes. And having a conversation with a little levity makes it easier to raise other issues matter-of-factly.âÂ
The prospect of moving is another one of those sticky issues. In a survey by SeniorLiving.org, 31% of adult children said they would expect their parents to move in with them if assistance was necessary, but only 10% of adults older than 65 preferred that option (62% would rather live at home with care services).Â
If moving is necessary, itâs all in how you approach it, says Suzanne Asaff Blankenship, author of How to Take Care of Old People Without Losing Your Marbles. âIf we had talked to my parents-in-law about leaving Montana, they would have said no,â says Blankenship. âBut if we put it in the context of what they were struggling with, which was the winter weather or having to drive so far for health care, they were more receptive.â They eventually moved closer to Blankenship in Colorado.Â
- SEE MORE Make a Plan for Your Parents’ Care
Postscript
Writing about eldercare has made me think that my husband and I need to share more of our personal information and wishes with our three grown children. Kids, hold us to it.